We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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