I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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