tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
