and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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