if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
