You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
