Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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