once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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