Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
