I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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