Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
