Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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