Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Randomize
