That reminds me...we need to get swords
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
