I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
