i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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