So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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