I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
