I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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