you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize