Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I pour the whiskey from now on
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
