So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
