Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
