new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Randomize
