My liver just broke up with me...
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
