The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
