Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
