that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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