I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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