my vag is so smooth its legendary
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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