Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
