i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
