I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
