There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
