So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
