You work out of a Hotel?
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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