Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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