Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
