Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
