I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
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