my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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