some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
