Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
