you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
