What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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