dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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