Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?