I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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