am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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