i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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