Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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