i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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