Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
