The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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