Your favorite bartender is back from prision
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
