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I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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