weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
