TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
