my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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