So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
